Things I've Learned From Seven Months of Fatherhood

You may have noticed that I haven't posted a whole lot about being a parent here in the last several weeks. That's insane, because Nodin - and issues relating to Nodin - are frequently on my mind. Blame the writing schedule, a sense of hopelessness about some aspects of life, stress at my job, whatever, but maybe I simply needed some time to allow the realities of my new role to sink in and become solid before being able to write about parenthood with any sense of objectivity and clarity. Hopefully, my experiences will prove instructive or, at the very least, amusing; this is only the beginning of my posts on this theme.

(Alecia, if you're reading, feel free to chime in in the comments section.)

1. Free weights - 5 lbs., 10 lbs., 15 lbs. - are fairly cheap and can be found at just about any decent department store you care to name. If you don't already own a pair, score some and start working out now. Or if push-ups are your thing, or chin-lifts, or whatever upper-body, arm-muscle building exercise form you favor, look, just start doing that stuff right now if you're all "Ooooo, I wanna have a baby!" Because babies are heavy, or, more accurately, they become heavier the longer you hold them. It's possible that you've held other people's babies before for a few minutes at a time, and, really, those babies didn't seem too heavy, how hard can it be? When you become a parent, there will inevitably be times when you will be cradling an infant for an hour or significantly longer as you try to coax him/her to sleep or into a state of relaxation or calm. And your biceps, your wrists, your very bones will ache in ways that will amaze you. The nerves in your arms will do weird, uncomfortable things for a little while. Or maybe that's just me and I’m a total weakling.

2. A large, colorful bib, reversed = a cape! And this provides an excellent opportunity/excuse to run around the house with your tot held aloft, pretending that s/he is a super hero, provided s/he has not just eaten.

3. There will be crying fits, tears, migrane-inducing screams, and oceans of drool, and they won’t just be coming from you. In restaurants, you probably bristle when the small children of strangers freak out for whatever reason and your dining ambiance is slashed like a tire. Parenthood will up your capacity for sympathy considerably. You will exchange knowing, sad, but valiantly proud, smiles with people you’ll never know well of all races, genders, and ethnicities in solidarity; you will suddenly understand your own folks a bit better; big-ass splotchy stains on your clothes won’t faze you.

4. Going to the liquor store then getting blasted loses its previous attraction when you realize that in all likelihood your little one will rouse you up at 2 a.m.

5. It’s tempting to read to baby at a very early age, especially when you’ve got a stack of children’s books to choose from. But infants are restless, and the tot sitting calmly in your lap while you page through Goodnight, Moon or whatever, enunciating carefully and playing with the tone of your voice in an attempt to imbue the story with some sense of drama is likely a wasted effort. Nodin usually gets bored quickly and tries to grab the book from me or swat it out of my hands when he isn’t scratching excitedly at my arms. Adult talk and baby talk alike seem to be the best means of familiarizing him with the nuances of language right now.

6. Diaper-duty? Not so awful, particularly if you’ve owned a dog and have plenty of wipes on hand. Level of difficulty increases when diaherria strikes or the “exploding-diaper” stage begins – where Nodin is right now, owing to all of the jarred fruit baby food he eats at this point – when changing-table time also must become lukewarm bath time and the hand-sanitizer flows like wine.

7. You will be clawed at, spit upon, pooped upon, peed upon, smacked, head-butted, momentarily deafened, foresaken temporarity for a bleeping and/or flashing toy, much more besides – and you will somehow love and savor every minute of it.