BECAUSE, on American Idol:1. She no longer seems to have any idea where she is while appearing on national television.
(On this show, the expectant tension is supposed to center on the performers, but more likely it's centered on the camera operators and control room staff who have to decide how much attention should be directed towards the judges' table where Paula Abdul's getting her loon on and Randy Jackson and Simon Cowell are pretending conditions aren't being created for a complete Courtney Love-esque trainwreck.)
2. Following contestant performances, she rambles on longwindedly, incoherently, and disjointedly, as though the sounds coming out of her mouth bear little or no relation to whatever positive den-mother kudos she's thought up; thus, dear Paula comes across as deranged or mentally disabled at best, totally smacked-out at worst.
3. She keeps threatening to fall, sideways, out of her chair; only arrogant Simon Cowell stands between Miss Opposites Attract and certain concussive disaster.
4. She dances to songs - both sitting and standing - really, really badly. Now, I understand that this world is full of bad dancers; I'm one of them, admittedly. But Paula Abdul doesn't even come close to matching the beat of whatever Danny or David or Carly or whoever's belting out; it's like she's hearing a totally different song and swaying or bopping to that. Again: on national television.
5. That glassy, out-to-lunch grin. It's ever-present and totally fucking scary. You know the one.
6. Sort of a corrolary to #2, I guess, but the woman can't seem to finish saying words most of the time, managing, like, a first syllable before skipping to the first syllable of a different word. It's like she's having a perpetual heart attack that never becomes fatal or requires a trip to the ER.
7. Paula, you know we all love you, right?
8. Those hats. Those outfits. That hair! Viva fashion, and all that, but expensive and questionable couture and heavy, heavy makeup only serves to make crazy folks seem crazier.
9. Tears! Tears, tears, tears. Nothing wrong with a good cry, but so many tears when no-one's died or anything. Paula, they're just going home, and home's a good place!
10. Or maybe all of this is tied into promotion for her comeback record later this year and I'm just a big ole all-day sucker.
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