I never make it to the movies, for reasons surely familiar to others of my age, income bracket, and responsibilities. (Only one I caught in a theatre this year was Baby Mama. More on that eventually, perhaps.) I do, however, watch enough television to catch plenty of trailers that torture me with two-minute teasers of what I'm bound to miss, and it occurred to me that it might be kind of fun to just review these trailers - summer movie trailers, in particular - instead. They're ranked from potentially abysmal to potentially awesome. Let's ride:
PINEAPPLE EXPRESS
Genre: Stoner comedy. Let's clarify: an Atapow-affiliated stoner comedy, which, given my admitted weekness for dumb-smart hilarity, is like Voguing to Danzig catnip or some shit.
Music: "Paper Planes," by M.I.A., which is oddly fitting given the conflation of gunplay and ganja here.
The plot, near as I can figure: Stoner accidently witnesses a murder, goes on the run with another stoner, gets caught, etc. Hilarity ensures, even if it's probably a buzzkill for the protagonists.
Key dialogue: There's a part where some pasty schlub baddie cocks a shotgun and goes "Thug life!" in this effeminate, mocking falsetto that kills me everytime I think about it, prompting me to imitate him frequently during last weekend's sweaty, strenuous move into the new house. I'm embarassed to admit that if I hadn't read Somebody Scream! recently, the cultural significance of this line would've been totally lost on me because I never spent much time (i.e. more than like 10 minutes) with Tupac's albums; I was more of a Biggie Smalls guy.
Odds that I'll ever actually see this thing: 1 in 10, I hope, at least on DVD if not on the big screen. What say you, Alecia? Are you game?
THE DARK KNIGHT
Genre: Comic book superhero schlock meets Heat. Or so the reviewers claim. If they're right, I totally need to see this.
Music: Total film score clusterfuck overload.
The plot, near as I can figure: Comic book superhero schlock meets Heat. Also: the late Heath Ledger turns the Joker into a captivating sadist, which - along with all the action and violence - is the big reason most folks are so psyched for this. Seriously, does anybody really give a fuck about Christian Bale in Batman's cowl at this point? I almost feel sorry for that guy.
Key dialogue: Again, Heath Ledger as the Joker. Holy shit, you know?
Odds that I'll ever actually see this thing: 1 in 20, seeing as I just finally saw Batman Begins on DVD.
WALL-E
Genre: Can't really be boiled down to a single type; it's like a children's cartoon movie crossed with Short Circuit crossed with a sci-fi cautionary tale. Also: PIXAR! PIXAR rules.
Music: Clicks, grunts, whirrs, other assorted sound effects, etc.
The plot, near as I can figure: Robots in love on a trash-buried, pollution-clogged Earth 700 years after humanity's fled in a giant spaceship, in search of another planet to habitate/despoil.
Key dialogue: There's a non-verbal showdown between groups of robots that might be the funniest cartooning I've seen in eons.
Odds that I'll ever actually see this thing: 1 in 20.
THE ROCKER
Genre: Comedy. Low, low-impact comedy.
Music: Who even cares?
The plot, near as I can figure: Something about losers becoming huge rock stars; this looks like a waste of time on par with Hot Rod, another numbskull flick starring a promising comedic comer which I also had no desire to see. This abomination seems to exist because somebody thought Dwight from The Office deserved a shot at a film career. Hollywood power brokers, listen closely: even Steve Carell doesn't even deserve a top-billing film career! Everything he's in as the star winds up limp; he kills in supporting roles, though (cf. Bruce Almighty, Anchorman).
Key dialogue: Doesn't matter.
Odds that I'll ever actually see this thing: Okay, okay. I'd watch it on cable in a pinch. Maybe.
MAMMA MIA!
Genre: Musical. I pretty much loathe musicals as a rule, though I've got a soft spot for The Sound of Music, among a very select few.
Music: ABBA. Lots and lots of ABBA. When I worked, briefly, in Hazleton, there was a really homely, sorta mutant family that lived downstairs from me. One of the girls - I think she was probably mentally delayed in some way - was obsessed with "Dancing Queen" and played it all day long, over and over again. I wasn't appreciative of this.
The plot, near as I can figure: Meryl Streep banged three dudes one summer a long time ago. Now her daughter's getting hitched and it's time to figure out who's the daddy. Much chick-flick-hilarity-for-Fried Green Tomatoes/First Wives Club set ensues.
Key dialogue: Don't remember anything in particular, but just thinking about it's making me gag at work.
Odds that I'll ever actually see this thing: 1 in a kajillion, even on cable when there's nothing else on. No. Fucking. Way.
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