TV LOVES YOU BACK MARCH: A Few Potential HULU Spokespeople

By RAYMOND CUMMINGS

I'm not entirely certain what Hulu is, and I'm not especically interested in finding out. My gut assumption is that it's a free website that allows visitors to watch television shows online, as long as they're willing to tolerate a muted onslaught of advertising. The TV spots rolled out by Hulu thus far have implied that the site is a nefarious tool that softens up human brains for extraterrestial consumption, which very probably isn't true. Still, enlisting Eliza Dushku and Alec Baldwin to portray Hulu-hawking aliens was a stroke of genius; Baldwin's too-congenial-to-be-trusted manner and Dushku's blandly effortless allure are perfectly suited to this sort of squirm-inducing advertising campaign. Below are a few suggestions as to prime-time stars Hulu could - and should - enlist for future commercials:

Vanessa Williams has never seemed quite human, has she? Those icy blue eyes, those arch cheekbones, that precisely toned skin, to say nothing of her overall form. Playing Willhemena Slater - Ugly Betty's evil opportunist and fashion editor - has cemented the public's impression of this disgraced Miss America winner as somebody we wouldn't wanna meet in a dark alleyway.

I haven't been especially keen on Michaela McManus since she joined the Law & Order: Special Victims Unit cast as an assistant district attorney; she brings to the position none of the warmth we'd come to expect from Diane Neal or Stephanie March before her. What's traditionally happened is that these smartly attired lady lawyers come onto the job as hardasses, then gradually soften up, treating the Stablers and Tutuolas like equals instead of minions. But for reasons I'm not privy to - ratings, maybe? - the writers aren't letting this happen to McManus' character just yet. It doesn't matter anyway; she's wrong for the part, and would fit better as a rival Terminator on The Sarah Connor Chronicles or something. Anyway, she's plenty scary, and Hulu should get her agent on the phone pronto if they haven't already.

Randy Orton. This one doesn't require too much explanation. I mean, just look at him.

Due to a plotline that's been strung out way, way longer than it had to be, Jesse Spencer doesn't have a whole heck of a lot to do on House these days. Dude gets a scene or two per episode; his character development has mostly been confined to growing beard stubble. And given his underlying vacuity - or the appearance of it, which in the television universe amounts, more or less, to the same blasted thing - Spencer should be at the top of Hulu's call-list.